I'm pretty sure I know these people! :p
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Now that there was FUNNY :D:D:D
JIM
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."
After the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints I noticed numerous bad jokes on the Internet by people defaming Cajuns as `not too smart'. Let me state categorically I disagree with that assessment.
Anybody who builds a city 10 feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with Democrats is a damn genius. :D
Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of Oceanside , San Diego , California .
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, its home base location.
Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
'Thank you for your letter.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi :)
Gary,
Never worry about defaming a cajun; you can't!
What dat "defaming" mean anyhow?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkPNa...layer_embedded
Enjoy! JIM:cool:
Jim:
That video is so fun to watch. I love it.
Eric Faires
Huntsville, TN
A Cowboy from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" Don't mess with TEXANS.:D
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
This is an off the cuff presentation if the new Rockwell International heavy duty transmission.
http://home.comcast.net/~steveham21/turbo.mpg
I can't stop laughing.:D:o:D
JIM:D
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
:D:D:D
THE LONGEST PASSWORD
During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
:D
ObamaBidenPelosiReidDoddSchumerFranksSpecterWashin gton
It separates the "gton" in the forum software.
Bring one to the next Rally :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uomk60wP2mI
:rolleyes:
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
:D
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s--- out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane. And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her . . . what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.
The Bus Ride
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend Trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
Yesterday at 6:14 PM EST POG broke a record with 135 members online.
Did anybody feel anything :confused: :cool: :rolleyes:
JIM :D
Being tired & hot & still helping to set "any" record, has me exhausted just reading about it. Kudo's to all of you in this.
Yesterdays count was even higher.:eek:
Let's make a habit of logging in around 6:00 PM and see how high we can get the count :cool:
:D
some of us are still working at 3PM!!!
Indeed it is ...
Not working but usually commuting and about 20 minutes out at 6:00 PM. Can we make it 19:00 Eastern Daylight Savings Time?
2100 is my bed time. I get up at 0415 to get ready to go to work. I might be able to log on and then log off but I might fall asleep on my keyboard!
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, Here I am.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes..
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips, This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshyttin me?"
The social worker said, " Yeah, well, you started it."
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have
sex at 72!
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 67..... so it's not far to
walk home afterwards!
You are TOO Funny Rodger. That was a great laugh.
Gary S.
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas razorbacks. I got one for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Excellent trade, sir." :D
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON !'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
.......but all men...are men.