Oh Shoot !

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Take a little time to smile...

|

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

| " Dr. Jones , at your cervix."

|

| In a Podiatrist's office:

| "Time wounds all heels."

|

| On a Septic Tank Truck:

| Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Sign on another Septic Tank Truck:

| "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

|

| At a Proctologist's door:

| "To expedite your visit, please back in. "

|

| On a Plumber's truck:

| "We repair what your husband fixed."

|

| On another Plumber's truck:

| "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

|

| On a Church's Bill board:

| "7 days without God makes one weak."

|

| At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

| "Invite us to your next blowout."

|

| At a Towing company:

| "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

|

| On an Electrician's truck:

| "Let us remove your shorts."

|

| In a Nonsmoking Area:

| "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

|

| On a Maternity Room door:

| "Push. Push. Push."

|

| At an Optometrist's Office:

| "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

|

| On a Taxidermist's window:

| "We really know our stuff."

|

| On a Fence:

| "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

|

| At a Car Dealership:

| "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

|

| Outside a Muffler Shop:

| "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

|

| In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

| "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

|

| At the Electric Company

| "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

| However, if you don't, you will be."

|

| In a Restaurant window:

| "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

|

| In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

| "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

|

| At a Propane Filling Station:

| "Thank heaven for little grills."

|and finally

| And don't forget the sign at a

| CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."


.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain , they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
> >>
> >> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the
> mirror complaining to my
> >> husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead
> of characteristically
> >> telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
> comes up with a
> >> suggestion.
> >>
> >> If you want your breasts to grow, then every
> day take a piece of toilet
> >> paper and rub it between them for a few
> seconds.'
> >> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of
> toilet paper and stand in
> >> front of the mirror, rubbing it between my
> breasts. 'How long will
> >> this take?' I asked.
> >>
> >> They will grow larger over a period of years,'
> my husband replies. I
> >> stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece
> of toilet paper between
> >> my breasts every day will make my breasts
> larger over the years?' Without
> >> missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your a$$,
> didn't it?'
> >>
> >> He's still alive, and with a great deal of
> therapy, he may even walk
> >> again, although he will probably continue to
> take his meals through a
> >> straw.
> >>
> >> Stupid, stupid man.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Jim C. that was way too funny............

But I hope you understand when I say, I won't be passing this one on to any of my lady friends ?

Gary S.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who
told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,'
where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'


Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained
young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned
to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been
working just fine. I've had to turn the knob
many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two
annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and
said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'




.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back.
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on
a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for
sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've
been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use
it for sex?'


The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the
kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...
__________________

[rahangman]

A little known fact:
The testicular guard "cup" was first used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Helmet was used in 1974.
See, it only took 100 years for men to learn that their brain is important ..too

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for..

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Gary S.

[rahangman]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.


Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'


'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'


'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?' asked the blonde .


Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'


At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
'And how long has it been since you played around?'


With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;


'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

[HarborBus]

Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.


This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.


The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom