Ahem

[rahangman]

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..

[James]

An Alaskan went to Florida to escape the cold and snow. While driving down a busy thoroughfare he noticed several Penguins on the side of the road about to take the plunge into the street to cross to the other side.

Being used to ducks with their young crossing the road during the summer in his native state the Alaskan stopped. Noticing that traffic in the adjoining lane did not even slow down he got out and stood in front of the penguins, holding his arms out to try and keep them from hopping into the busy street.

A policeman showed up, turned on his lights, got out and asked what are you doing blocking the road? The Alaskan explained that he was trying to keep the penguins from becoming road kill and asked for help.

The policeman stated you need to get them off this busy street. Why don't you take them to the zoo! The Alaskan thought that was a great ideal and with the policeman's help he got the Penguins loaded into the car and off he went.

Early the next morning the policeman was driving along the same busy street and notices the Alaskan coming toward him in the same car with the Penguins in the back seat, except this time the Alaska and the Penguins were wearing sunglasses.

The policeman flipped on lights and siren, locked the brakes and did a screeching, tire smoking u turn and pulled over the Alaskan with the Penguins.

He walked up to the car and sure enough the Alaskan and the Penguins were sitting in the car, all wearing sunglasses. The Alaskan even had on a bright colorful tropical shirt.

The police pushed back his hat, stared at the Alaskan and stated; I thought I told you yesterday to take these Penguins to the zoo!

The Alaskan took off his sunglasses, looked back at the policeman with a puzzled smile on his face and said; I did, today we're going to the beach!

[merle&louise]

Two drunks are walking down the street. One says to the other one:

If my ole man gave me a dollar and your ole man gave you a dollar, how much would we have?

The first drunk says, "A dollar".

The second drunk says, "you don't know your arithmetic!"

The first drunk says, "yeah, and you don't know my ole man!"

[sawdust_128]

Speaking of drunks, BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD IN LONG, LONG TIME !!!

Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like
NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

[Coloradobus]

A lady of means recently hired a new chauffeur. She wanted to test the guy with a drive to the store.,
Calling for car to come to the front of house, she ask the new driver what his name was. The new driver said, 'my name is James, ma'am.
Madame said, I always use last names of those who I employ, so what is your last name.
The new driver said, I would really prefer the use of my first name, 'James".
Madame's, response, "I will use your last name, please tell.
OK, my last name is "DARLING"! Madame responded, "to the Store James!"

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

An 85 year old man is having a birthday. He hears a knock at the door, and when he answers the door, there is a beautiful woman standing there wearing nothing but black gloves and black boots.

She says to him, I hear it is your 85th birthday, to which he says, yes it is.

She says I am here to give you SUPER SEX !!

His reply, " What kind of Soup is it ? "

Gary S.

[Alek&Lucia]

Lars, a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Lars' neighbors were Catholic. Since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to the priest. The priest came to visit Lars and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic." Lars' neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As he rushed into Lars' yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Lars, holding a small bottle of water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You were born a deer and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."

[treedoc]

Lars learned that life is what we make it!!

[sawdust_128]

Subject: Polish Sausage
'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' 'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'