Oh Shoot !

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

"A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said it evolved from monkeys? "
The mother answered, " Well, dear, it's very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for “Bear Removers.”

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog..”
__________________

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one..
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up.."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.

[Alek&Lucia]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER ?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT ?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO ?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

[mike kerley]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter..

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Depressed

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land"

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said "lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up your camels, this is the Promised Land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovels, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land.

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline and got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, and they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck?

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A group of 50 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are very attractive.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is outstanding.

10 years later at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is child free.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 90 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because.......

They had not been there before.

[lonesome george]

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor guy starts crying.

"Come on man I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

[rahangman]

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you

>> remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We

>> went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back

>> fence and I made love to you.'

>>







>> Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

>>

>>

>>

>> OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around

>> there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

>>

>>

>>

>> Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,

>> but good idea!'

>>



>>

>> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard

>> their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to

>> himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a

>> fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.... So he follows them.

>>

>>

>>

>> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning

>> on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get

>> to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

>>

>>

>>

>> The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops

>> his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

>>

>>

>>

>> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex

>> that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes

>> while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

>>

>>

>>

>> Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

>>

>>

>>

>> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned

>> something about life and old age that he didn't know.

>>

>>

>>

>> After about half an hour of lying on the ground

>> recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their

>> clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to

>> himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

>>

>>

>>

>> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse

>> me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life

>> together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

>>

>>

>>

>> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

>> 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'