Page 16 of 16 FirstFirst ... 6141516
Results 151 to 158 of 158

Thread: Oh Shoot !

  1. #151
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Harrison
    Posts
    623

    Default

    You Mean This Isn’t Normal?
    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
    This is how it manifests:
    I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my BUS and decided it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the
    mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the BUS.
    I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage, and notice the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
    But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
    My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t
    accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye-- they need water.
    I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide To put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
    So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
    At the end of the day:
    - the BUS isn’t washed
    - the bills aren’t paid
    - there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
    - the flowers don’t have enough water
    - there is still only 1 check in my check book
    - I can’t find the remote
    - I can’t find my glasses
    - and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys
    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll get some …..????
    Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.
    Don’t laugh -- if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming !!
    GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
    LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
    DON’T FORGET TO WASH THE DAMN BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We need the Rain…. !!!!!!

  2. #152
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    ON THE ROAD IN THE SOUTH
    Posts
    2,825

    Exclamation

    What Makes 100%?

    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

    How about achieving 103%?

    What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    and

    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But ,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


    Now you know why some people are where they are!

  3. #153
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    ON THE ROAD IN THE SOUTH
    Posts
    2,825

    Thumbs up THE BLOND GETS EVEN

    TRUCKERS' BREAKFAST ~

    A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I
    want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
    boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,
    went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just
    ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
    boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

    'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of
    headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards...
    Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

    'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
    spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

    The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'


    'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
    headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'

  4. #154
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    ON THE ROAD IN THE SOUTH
    Posts
    2,825

    Default THE ENTITR CLASS FAILED...

    An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.


    The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).


    After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.


    The second test average was a D! No one was happy.


    When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.


    As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.


    To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

  5. #155
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    35

    Default

    sounds like a wise professor,but I thought they were all Democrat

  6. #156
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    ON THE ROAD IN THE SOUTH
    Posts
    2,825

    Cool A good nights sleep ?

    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

  7. #157
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    ON THE ROAD IN THE SOUTH
    Posts
    2,825

    Default

    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blonde says: "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave." Happy Easter!!!

  8. #158
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Houma, LA
    Posts
    1,783

    Default

    I really like reading this thread: the jokes are great!

    By the way, it seems like its been a long time since Gary Stevens has posted.

    Gary are you still out there?

    Has anyone heard from Gary & Peggy lately? Seems like they said something about taking a trip with their granddaughter out west or something.
    Tuga & Karen Gaidry

    2012 Honda Pilot

Similar Threads

  1. Sporting Clay Shoot - OKC Rally
    By Jerry Winchester in forum RALLIES AND GET-TOGETHERS
    Replies: 37
    Last Post: 09-25-2009, 11:06 PM
  2. Datron 4000: Trouble shoot; Replace
    By Jim_Scoggins in forum Electronic Gizmos, Computers and Communications
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 04-08-2007, 08:54 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •