RON........Welcome aboard. You will enjoy this site.
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RON........Welcome aboard. You will enjoy this site.
Darrell chalks up a referral and wins the attaboy and a pat on the back:)
It was raining here today so I thought I would go down to the club for lunch, and to see what was going on, haven't been there in quite some time. Hanging my rain coat up in the crowded coat room I heard to hats talking. One said to the other I don't want to get wet again you go on a head, I'll hang around for awhile.
;):D JIM
Jim, You must be bored.!!!!
You nailed it you old carpenter you!:D :p
JIM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow, now it's my fault.
Had to Pass this one on....:D
Gary S.
http://videos.komando.com/2008/11/26/rich-little/
Had to pass this video clip on for a little laugh. :D
Gary S.
A women brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out a stethoscope and listened to the birds chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the ducks owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took him out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the women and said, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck owner still in shock, took the bill.
"$250?" she cried, $250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the LAB Report and the CAT Scan, it's now $250."
:DJIM
THOSE TEXANS
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing some real problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep.
They are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them."
The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."
So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello -- hold on a minute...”
When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returns to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"
The Devil says, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on!!!!"
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel -- I can't talk right now!!
Boots and Coots has put out the fire down here and now Halliburton is installing air conditioning!!!!"
Always remember ... TEXANS SURVIVE ... despite the odds against us!!! :D
YeeHAAAAAA !
Gary S.
Don't you love it when folks are recognized for their actions
I was on my way to Wal*Mart this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read..."We did it! - Obama / Biden".
Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said..."I love your bumper sticker!'
She thanked me ... and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"
She gave me the finger and drove off. :eek:
Humorless bitch... :D
Gary S.
Why is it that the libs have no f'ing sense of humor? I mean, c'mon - most of their ideas about how the country should be run would be downright laughable if they weren't so scary! :rolleyes:
Gary,
Way to go!
Its about time someone took responsibility. No more phony apologies for something said. PC should not be. I think the Senators and Representatives all were agast when Joe Wilson called O'bama, well you know, because each one thought he was referring to them!
Will, I thought the same thing. Who says Joe was restricting his comment to just one person?
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L" :eek: :D
Gary S.
Jim / Chris of Colorado Bus. Be sure and purchase your new Tesla Electric car and take pictures of it for the group. :)
Read Below for the reason.
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=114039
Gary S.
Gary and Peggy,
We saw this on the news the other night and got a good laugh. Unfortunately, our barn is full and we would have sell something to make the Tesla fit. Right now, we don't have a contendor for sale.
Boys finding new ways to play with their toys!!Quote:
Originally Posted by JIM CHALOUPKA
That makes "punkin chunkin" look passee.
During a recent password audit at the Whitehouse, it was found that an office worker was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to
When asked why such a long password, the Democrat said they were told that it had to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital. :D :D :D
Gary S.
"A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said it evolved from monkeys? "
The mother answered, " Well, dear, it's very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his."
:D:D
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for “Bear Removers.”
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog..”
__________________
This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one..
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up.."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
With age comes wisdom.
:p
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,
"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER ?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT ?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO ?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
:) :) :)
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter..
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Depressed
Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land" :)
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said "lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up your camels, this is the Promised Land".
Now Obama has stolen your shovels, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land. :mad:
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline and got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, and they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck?
:D
A group of 50 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are very attractive.
10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is outstanding.
10 years later at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is child free.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 90 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because.......
They had not been there before.
:p:D
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor guy starts crying.
"Come on man I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me.....
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
>> remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We
>> went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back
>> fence and I made love to you.'
>>
>> Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
>>
>>
>>
>> OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
>> there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
>>
>>
>>
>> Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
>> but good idea!'
>>
>>
>> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
>> their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to
>> himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a
>> fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.... So he follows them.
>>
>>
>>
>> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning
>> on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get
>> to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
>>
>>
>>
>> The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops
>> his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
>>
>>
>>
>> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex
>> that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes
>> while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
>>
>>
>>
>> Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
>>
>>
>>
>> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
>> something about life and old age that he didn't know.
>>
>>
>>
>> After about half an hour of lying on the ground
>> recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their
>> clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to
>> himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
>>
>>
>>
>> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse
>> me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
>> together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
>>
>>
>>
>> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
>> 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.':p
:cool:
Take a little time to smile...
|
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
| " Dr. Jones , at your cervix."
|
| In a Podiatrist's office:
| "Time wounds all heels."
|
| On a Septic Tank Truck:
| Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
Sign on another Septic Tank Truck:
| "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
|
| At a Proctologist's door:
| "To expedite your visit, please back in. "
|
| On a Plumber's truck:
| "We repair what your husband fixed."
|
| On another Plumber's truck:
| "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
|
| On a Church's Bill board:
| "7 days without God makes one weak."
|
| At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
| "Invite us to your next blowout."
|
| At a Towing company:
| "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
|
| On an Electrician's truck:
| "Let us remove your shorts."
|
| In a Nonsmoking Area:
| "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
|
| On a Maternity Room door:
| "Push. Push. Push."
|
| At an Optometrist's Office:
| "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
|
| On a Taxidermist's window:
| "We really know our stuff."
|
| On a Fence:
| "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
|
| At a Car Dealership:
| "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
|
| Outside a Muffler Shop:
| "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
|
| In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
| "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
|
| At the Electric Company
| "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
| However, if you don't, you will be."
|
| In a Restaurant window:
| "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
|
| In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
| "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
|
| At a Propane Filling Station:
| "Thank heaven for little grills."
|and finally
| And don't forget the sign at a
| CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain , they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
:D
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
> >>
> >> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the
> mirror complaining to my
> >> husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead
> of characteristically
> >> telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
> comes up with a
> >> suggestion.
> >>
> >> If you want your breasts to grow, then every
> day take a piece of toilet
> >> paper and rub it between them for a few
> seconds.'
> >> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of
> toilet paper and stand in
> >> front of the mirror, rubbing it between my
> breasts. 'How long will
> >> this take?' I asked.
> >>
> >> They will grow larger over a period of years,'
> my husband replies. I
> >> stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece
> of toilet paper between
> >> my breasts every day will make my breasts
> larger over the years?' Without
> >> missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your a$$,
> didn't it?'
> >>
> >> He's still alive, and with a great deal of
> therapy, he may even walk
> >> again, although he will probably continue to
> take his meals through a
> >> straw.
> >>
> >> Stupid, stupid man.
:D:D
Jim C. that was way too funny............:D
But I hope you understand when I say, I won't be passing this one on to any of my lady friends ? :o :eek:
Gary S.
The Knob
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who
told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,'
where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained
young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned
to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been
working just fine. I've had to turn the knob
many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two
annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and
said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
.
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back.
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on
a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for
sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've
been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use
it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the
kids out.'
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...
__________________:D
A little known fact:
The testicular guard "cup" was first used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Helmet was used in 1974.
See, it only took 100 years for men to learn that their brain is important ..too
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for..
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. :D :eek:
Gary S.
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?' asked the blonde .
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;
'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!':eek::p
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom