Oh Shoot !

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

OH SHOOT !

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is .. you're NOT my flight instructor?' :eek: :D

[sawdust_128]

a good one!

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Here are some roads less traveled we all should avoid. :eek:

Be sure and read about each of these roads below each picture.

http://www.travelandleisure.com/slideshows/worlds-scariest-roads

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. :)

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

[dalej]

Gary! What's going on down there at the Sugar Shack? Can't you work on your bus or something? Ask Peg what to do! :)

[sawdust_128]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years andcame to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks thatfollowed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Fayetteville Observer, a local newspaper in North Carolina, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard in Cumberland County, North Carolina, Bubba Graham, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, NorthCarolina had already gone wireless.North Carolina has always been on the leading edge.....

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Gary! What's going on down there at the Sugar Shack? Can't you work on your bus or something? Ask Peg what to do! :)


Dale, I usually don't have to ask Peg what to do, SHE JUST TELLS ME :eek: :D

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the last Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

Weightlifting commentator:'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'


Dressage commentator:
'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'


Paul Hamm, Gymnast:'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'


Boxing Analyst:
'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'


Softball announcer:
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'


Basketball analyst:'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'


At the rowing medal ceremony:
'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the Cox of the British crew.'


Soccer commentator:
'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'


Tennis commentator:
'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.. Oh my God, what have I just said?'


Gary S. :D

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having friends.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. having a driver license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Just ONE Big Cycle isn't it? :D

[lewpopp]

I'm sure you are not speaking from experience, but you sure are ( hate to use this word ) dead on, just ask Harry.

[hhoppe]

Dammit Lew I resemble that remark. You got your nerve spouting off with one foot in the grave and the other on a bananna peel.

[dalej]

Ok you two, clean it up, pun intended.

[lewpopp]

Harry, I don't buy green bananas, do you?

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

I had to pass this on. I know some of you have seen and heard this, but it is the season again.

Be sure your volume is up, when you play this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot-B4V8oqPQ&feature=related

Happy Holidays to Everyone from Peg and I.

Gary S.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the ground floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.

Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already up there.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?" :eek: :D

Gary S.

[tdelorme]

Gary, I heard firsthand that what Davey ask Jim when he saw the 10,000 Mexicans was, "Jim, I didn't know we were pouring concrete today."

But, yea, it might have been landscaping.

[lewpopp]

Be careful, someone here might own a chiawawa( who cares how they spell it ) dog and might have their feelings hurt.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

I had never heard this one, and just had to pass it on:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ..




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." :D


Gary S.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Ask Peg about this road trip next time you see her. We were on our way to Rayford Crossing in the Woodlands, TX for a nice weekend.

Hon, I said, don't you think I should turn left here?

"Na she says, there is another road just a little farther ahead?" :eek:

[Coloradobus]

Hey Gary,

We are members of the "Oh Shoot Club", too. Got off an exit near Eagle, Colorado for fuel. After fueling, continued east on the frontage road, fuguring we'd return to I-70 at the next overpass.........:eek: No bridge, not an exit, the road began to narrow, become dirt, and head straight up into the mountains. We had to detach, and back the coach up for 2 miles before we found a spot big enough to turn it around.:D

[dalej]

Last year we had that kind of feeling. We left Laramie, Wy. heading toward Snowy Range. I seen on the GPS there was a road that could be more scenic, Wrong! Started out good paved road for 10 miles then turned to a rock road for 5 miles and then to a dirt road and then just grass, we were out in the middle of a range land. We turned around and went the 20 miles back to Laramie and spent the night.

I was glad we were on the bike. Jan thought she should take a photo, just to document it.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Jim / Chris, glad someone else has owned up to doing SILLY things like that too. 2 miles, that is quite a long reverse trek. Thanks now I don't feel so bad. I only had to back up about 3/4 mile :)

And all Peggy would say is " Think of it as an experience." Now you know you can do it if you have too." :mad:



Dale J. how far did you have to back up your bike before you could turn around? :p

Gary S.

[michaeldterry]

Back in the summer of 1982, when I was with the Memphis Blues Brass Band, I used to love to drive the semi-tractor trailer that carried our equipment just for fun. Of course the truck driver didn't mind because whenever I drove, he got a paid break! One day, we were doing a stadium show at University of Indiana in Bloomington, IN. We had just come off an overnight drive and so I thought I'd be a sport and offer to drive the semi to the stadium for the scheduled set-up and rehearsal. I followed the buses toward the stadium and at some point, we came upon an underpass on the one-way street we were travelling with a posted clearance of 12'6". The buses slowed down and carefully drove through. The regular truck driver was riding on the crew bus and radioed back for me to come on through, it should be no problem. I was dubious, but figured that the pro knew better than I - so I slowed to a crawl and started under. Well, you can guess what came next! I was golden for the first part of the passage - then SCREEEEECH! and I ground to a halt as the trailer became hopelessly stuck as the road rose slightly on the far side of the bridge. Luckily, I did not attempt to "muscle" through after the initial stop. After radioing forward and vowing revenge on the truck driver for my humiliation, I had to back the truck four city blocks before I found a side road big enough to allow me to turn off and find an alternate route to the stadium (did I mention we were on a one-way street?). Better luck prevailed as I happened on a fire station as soon as I got turned off the one-way, where I stopped to get safe directions to the stadium.

Later inspections revealed no damage to the trailer or the bridge (except for some ugly black scrapes along the top edge trim of the trailer and matching scrapes under the bridge).

The only real casualty was my pride, as I never really lived down the embarrassment of being introduced as "the guy who stuck the truck under the bridge once" on more than a few occassions. :o

As for revenge on the guy who told me I was good to clear the underpass - several months later, he was caught having inappropriate contact with an underage girl in one of the buses during a show and was convicted of indecency with a minor. Karma can be a bitch! :p

[lewpopp]

The only thing I would admit to and Roger would also but have been sworn to secrecy was when we were witnesses to Jon blocking a 4 lane highway. The story can get bigger and more embelished if you want it to, Jon.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

The only thing I would admit to and Roger would also but have been sworn to secrecy was when we were witnesses to Jon blocking a 4 lane highway. The story can get bigger and more embelished if you want it to, Jon.

Jon, talks about this alot but always says, " But there are no pictures, to PROVE I ever did it?"

Lew, I hope you got some pictures ! ? :eek: Tell us you got some pictures ! :)

Gary S.

[rfoster]

No pictures, but I have eye witnesses.

[Darrell McCarley]

I heard this one today from a new prevost owner and found it amusing. Do you know the difference between a Prevost and a Porcupine?..............A Porcupine has its "PRICKS" on the outside.

[Jon Wehrenberg]

Was he a Prevost Proud?

[Darrell McCarley]

JON.......... No Prouds. He had just taken delivery of his first motorhome, 45ft Prevost when one of his buddy's called him on the cell with the Prevost-Porcupine joke.

[Jon Wehrenberg]

Well that should concern us. If his friend says that about him the next question is if he is a POG member?

[Darrell McCarley]

JON........Its only a joke. I thought it was amusing. I don't mine if someone pokes a little fun at me every once in a while.

[Jon Wehrenberg]

Darrell,

We never joke on this forum. And we certainly never ever poke fun at anyone here.

I'm going to speak to the committee about this. You will be hearing from us.

And as to the guys spreading rumors about highway blockages cease and desist. It never happened and Roger doesn't have the pictures to prove it never happened. But if it did happen the cop would not have a sense of humor. And it would have been impressive seeing all those car's headlights just sitting still. But since it did not happen, those things did not happen.

[Darrell McCarley]

No More Jokes From Me.

[lewpopp]

Darrell,

You must realize that Jon grows whatever he wants up in the garden. From time to time he puts too much horseshit on some of the mother plants. It just worked itself out on the response to you.

[garyde]

Yea, I've heard the same joke using Porsche, Hummer, etc. Real original.
and typically, there's a comment about the size of the owners member or lack there of.

[Jon Wehrenberg]

I'm surprised this thread has been allowed to continue with words like prick and Hummer running through it.

And then there's Lew's choice of words to top things off. I thought this was a family forum?

[michaeldterry]

No More Jokes From Me.

Darrell - I'm sure you realize that Jon's reply about "never joking, etc" was "tongue on cheek" (a joke :p). In fact, you can rarely take anything Jon writes seriously! :D JDub was just pokin' ya with a stick! :rolleyes:


Darrell,

We never joke on this forum. And we certainly never ever poke fun at anyone here.

I'm going to speak to the committee about this. You will be hearing from us.

[lewpopp]

Jon,

What's all this stuff about you being "holier than thou" baloney. Born again?

[Jon Wehrenberg]

Huh? If I was born again why do I feel so damn old. Almost as old as you?

[Ron]

Darrell,
Ok, he was just joking. And yes, I am now a new POG member! Getting ready to take the bus on a shakedown cruise this weekend to the National Track and Field Championships in Eugene, Or. And yes, grinning from ear to ear. Thanks for delivering the Coach!

[Darrell McCarley]

RON........Welcome aboard. You will enjoy this site.

[Joe Cannarozzi]

Darrell chalks up a referral and wins the attaboy and a pat on the back:)

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

It was raining here today so I thought I would go down to the club for lunch, and to see what was going on, haven't been there in quite some time. Hanging my rain coat up in the crowded coat room I heard to hats talking. One said to the other I don't want to get wet again you go on a head, I'll hang around for awhile.

;):D JIM

[dale farley]

Jim, You must be bored.!!!!

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

You nailed it you old carpenter you!:D :p

JIM

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow, now it's my fault.


Had to Pass this one on....:D

Gary S.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

http://videos.komando.com/2008/11/26/rich-little/

Had to pass this video clip on for a little laugh. :D

Gary S.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A women brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out a stethoscope and listened to the birds chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the ducks owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took him out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the women and said, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck owner still in shock, took the bill.

"$250?" she cried, $250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the LAB Report and the CAT Scan, it's now $250."


:DJIM

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

THOSE TEXANS
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing some real problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep.

They are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello -- hold on a minute...”

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returns to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"

The Devil says, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on!!!!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel -- I can't talk right now!!

Boots and Coots has put out the fire down here and now Halliburton is installing air conditioning!!!!"

Always remember ... TEXANS SURVIVE ... despite the odds against us!!! :D

YeeHAAAAAA !

Gary S.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Don't you love it when folks are recognized for their actions

I was on my way to Wal*Mart this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read..."We did it! - Obama / Biden".

Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said..."I love your bumper sticker!'
She thanked me ... and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off. :eek:

Humorless bitch... :D


Gary S.

[michaeldterry]

Why is it that the libs have no f'ing sense of humor? I mean, c'mon - most of their ideas about how the country should be run would be downright laughable if they weren't so scary! :rolleyes:

[Will Garner]

Gary,

Way to go!

Its about time someone took responsibility. No more phony apologies for something said. PC should not be. I think the Senators and Representatives all were agast when Joe Wilson called O'bama, well you know, because each one thought he was referring to them!

[LarryB]

Will, I thought the same thing. Who says Joe was restricting his comment to just one person?

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...



"W I N A B A G E L" :eek: :D

Gary S.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Jim / Chris of Colorado Bus. Be sure and purchase your new Tesla Electric car and take pictures of it for the group. :)

Read Below for the reason.

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=114039


Gary S.

[Coloradobus]

Gary and Peggy,

We saw this on the news the other night and got a good laugh. Unfortunately, our barn is full and we would have sell something to make the Tesla fit. Right now, we don't have a contendor for sale.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58rdYkc5y7I


JIM

[parksincpp]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58rdYkc5y7I


JIM

Boys finding new ways to play with their toys!!

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

That makes "punkin chunkin" look passee.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

During a recent password audit at the Whitehouse, it was found that an office worker was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to

When asked why such a long password, the Democrat said they were told that it had to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital. :D :D :D


Gary S.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

"A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said it evolved from monkeys? "
The mother answered, " Well, dear, it's very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his."




:D:D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for “Bear Removers.”

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog..”
__________________

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one..
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up.."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.


:p

[Alek&Lucia]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER ?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT ?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO ?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

:) :) :)

[mike kerley]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter..

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Depressed

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land" :)

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said "lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up your camels, this is the Promised Land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovels, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land. :mad:

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline and got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, and they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck?
:D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A group of 50 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are very attractive.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is outstanding.

10 years later at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is child free.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 90 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because.......

They had not been there before.



:p:D

[lonesome george]

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor guy starts crying.

"Come on man I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

[rahangman]

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you

>> remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We

>> went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back

>> fence and I made love to you.'

>>







>> Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

>>

>>

>>

>> OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around

>> there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

>>

>>

>>

>> Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,

>> but good idea!'

>>



>>

>> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard

>> their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to

>> himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a

>> fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.... So he follows them.

>>

>>

>>

>> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning

>> on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get

>> to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

>>

>>

>>

>> The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops

>> his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

>>

>>

>>

>> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex

>> that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes

>> while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

>>

>>

>>

>> Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

>>

>>

>>

>> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned

>> something about life and old age that he didn't know.

>>

>>

>>

>> After about half an hour of lying on the ground

>> recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their

>> clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to

>> himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

>>

>>

>>

>> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse

>> me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life

>> together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

>>

>>

>>

>> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

>> 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.':p




:cool:

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Take a little time to smile...

|

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

| " Dr. Jones , at your cervix."

|

| In a Podiatrist's office:

| "Time wounds all heels."

|

| On a Septic Tank Truck:

| Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Sign on another Septic Tank Truck:

| "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

|

| At a Proctologist's door:

| "To expedite your visit, please back in. "

|

| On a Plumber's truck:

| "We repair what your husband fixed."

|

| On another Plumber's truck:

| "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

|

| On a Church's Bill board:

| "7 days without God makes one weak."

|

| At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

| "Invite us to your next blowout."

|

| At a Towing company:

| "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

|

| On an Electrician's truck:

| "Let us remove your shorts."

|

| In a Nonsmoking Area:

| "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

|

| On a Maternity Room door:

| "Push. Push. Push."

|

| At an Optometrist's Office:

| "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

|

| On a Taxidermist's window:

| "We really know our stuff."

|

| On a Fence:

| "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

|

| At a Car Dealership:

| "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

|

| Outside a Muffler Shop:

| "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

|

| In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

| "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

|

| At the Electric Company

| "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

| However, if you don't, you will be."

|

| In a Restaurant window:

| "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

|

| In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

| "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

|

| At a Propane Filling Station:

| "Thank heaven for little grills."

|and finally

| And don't forget the sign at a

| CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."


.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain , they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”






:D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
> >>
> >> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the
> mirror complaining to my
> >> husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead
> of characteristically
> >> telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
> comes up with a
> >> suggestion.
> >>
> >> If you want your breasts to grow, then every
> day take a piece of toilet
> >> paper and rub it between them for a few
> seconds.'
> >> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of
> toilet paper and stand in
> >> front of the mirror, rubbing it between my
> breasts. 'How long will
> >> this take?' I asked.
> >>
> >> They will grow larger over a period of years,'
> my husband replies. I
> >> stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece
> of toilet paper between
> >> my breasts every day will make my breasts
> larger over the years?' Without
> >> missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your a$$,
> didn't it?'
> >>
> >> He's still alive, and with a great deal of
> therapy, he may even walk
> >> again, although he will probably continue to
> take his meals through a
> >> straw.
> >>
> >> Stupid, stupid man.



:D:D

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Jim C. that was way too funny............:D

But I hope you understand when I say, I won't be passing this one on to any of my lady friends ? :o :eek:

Gary S.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who
told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,'
where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'


Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained
young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned
to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been
working just fine. I've had to turn the knob
many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two
annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and
said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'




.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back.
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on
a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for
sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've
been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use
it for sex?'


The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the
kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...
__________________:D

[rahangman]

A little known fact:
The testicular guard "cup" was first used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Helmet was used in 1974.
See, it only took 100 years for men to learn that their brain is important ..too

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for..

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. :D :eek:

Gary S.

[rahangman]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.


Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'


'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'


'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?' asked the blonde .


Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'


At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
'And how long has it been since you played around?'


With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;


'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!':eek::p

[HarborBus]

Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.


This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.


The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

[michaeldterry]

Dearest Redneck Son,
<snip>
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

I'm pretty sure I know these people! :p

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Now that there was FUNNY :D:D:D


JIM

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

After the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints I noticed numerous bad jokes on the Internet by people defaming Cajuns as `not too smart'. Let me state categorically I disagree with that assessment.

Anybody who builds a city 10 feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with Democrats is a damn genius. :D

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of Oceanside , San Diego , California .

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.


Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, its home base location.
Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi :)

[merle&louise]

Gary,

Never worry about defaming a cajun; you can't!

What dat "defaming" mean anyhow?

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkPNa4DBFHI&feature=player_embedded


Enjoy! JIM:cool:

[hobobimmer]

Jim:

That video is so fun to watch. I love it.

Eric Faires
Huntsville, TN

[HarborBus]

A Cowboy from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" Don't mess with TEXANS.:D

[rahangman]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

This is an off the cuff presentation if the new Rockwell International heavy duty transmission.

http://home.comcast.net/~steveham21/turbo.mpg


I can't stop laughing.:D:o:D



JIM:D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

http://www.wimp.com/moregas/



JIM

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!



'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied,


'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.


:D:D:D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

THE LONGEST PASSWORD

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.


:D

[CAPT MOGUL & Sandy]

THE LONGEST PASSWORD

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"


:D

JuneauMickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy ???:rolleyes:

[sawdust_128]

ObamaBidenPelosiReidDoddSchumerFranksSpecterWashin gton

It separates the "gton" in the forum software.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Bring one to the next Rally :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uomk60wP2mI




:rolleyes:

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


:D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.





'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.





'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s--- out of all of you!'





St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'





'Couple of minutes ago.'

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/drill.html


:rolleyes::D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane. And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: 'And her . . . what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

[rahangman]

The Bus Ride
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend Trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Yesterday at 6:14 PM EST POG broke a record with 135 members online.

Did anybody feel anything :confused: :cool: :rolleyes:


JIM :D

[GDeen]

Yesterday at 6:14 PM EST POG broke a record with 135 members online.

Did anybody feel anything :confused: :cool: :rolleyes:


JIM :D

I actually was feeling guilty for not being out working on my bus. Had a long week of work though, and was tired and it was hot, so I guess at least I helped set a record....

[rahangman]

Being tired & hot & still helping to set "any" record, has me exhausted just reading about it. Kudo's to all of you in this.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Yesterdays count was even higher.:eek:

Let's make a habit of logging in around 6:00 PM and see how high we can get the count :cool:




:D

[michaeldterry]

Yesterdays count was even higher.:eek:

Let's make a habit of logging in around 6:00 PM and see how high we can get the count :cool:




:D

That would be 6:00PM Eastern, 5:00PM Central, 4:00PM Mountain, & 3:00PM Pacific time! (If everyone logged in at 6:00PM local time, it would not be at the same time!) :p

[Ray Davis]

some of us are still working at 3PM!!!

[michaeldterry]

some of us are still working at 3PM!!!

Sounds like a personal problem, Ray! LOL! :p

[Ray Davis]

Indeed it is ...

[Will Garner]

Not working but usually commuting and about 20 minutes out at 6:00 PM. Can we make it 19:00 Eastern Daylight Savings Time?

[michaeldterry]

Not working but usually commuting and about 20 minutes out at 6:00 PM. Can we make it 19:00 Eastern Daylight Savings Time?

That's 7:00PM Eastern, 6:00PM Central, 5:00PM Mountain, 4:00PM Pacific for us civilians! :p

Actually, to be safe and accomodate those who work for a living, we probaby should make it 21:00, or 9:00PM Eastern, 8:00PM Central, 7:00PM Mountain, 6:00PM Pacific!

[Will Garner]

2100 is my bed time. I get up at 0415 to get ready to go to work. I might be able to log on and then log off but I might fall asleep on my keyboard!

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."


So, Here I am.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes..

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips, This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshyttin me?"

The social worker said, " Yeah, well, you started it."

[rahangman]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have
sex at 72!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 67..... so it's not far to
walk home afterwards!

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

You are TOO Funny Rodger. That was a great laugh.

Gary S.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas razorbacks. I got one for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

"Excellent trade, sir." :D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON !'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
.......but all men...are men.

[Jon Wehrenberg]

Paraprosdokian sentences: A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to your house of worship doesn't make you a religious person, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.


Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

I had to add this one to your list Jon.

I 've told you a Million times, to Stop Exaggerating !

Gary S.

[Will Garner]

Jon, wow I'm impressed with that big word. Now can anyone tell me how to pronounce "Paraprosdokian." That word looks like greek to me!

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Jon, wow I'm impressed with that big word. Now can anyone tell me how to pronounce "Paraprosdokian." That word looks like greek to me!

I don't know anything, but I do know this! Come to the rally Will and I will pronounce it for you :rolleyes:



JIM;):D

[Will Garner]

Jim,

You are making me feel bad. Time constraints alone is why I am unable to make it to Kerrville. Now Darrell has tossed in his motor problem and I am worried because I have 20K more miles on mine. So far so good.

I worked with a Greek fellow in NYC back in the 1980's. After several tries I was able to pronounce his last name which was easier than Jon's big word.

Hope you all have a great rally. Take and post pictures so I can drop salty tears into my caffeine free diet coke!

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Were you ever introduced to anyone and then you didn't know what to say?

Now get that grin off your face.

[rahangman]

Reminds me of a story I heard just after the 1st man on the Moon returned to Earth and reported having met a "Moon Maiden" She looked much like the women on Earth, except that they have their Bosems on their back! He reports that it didn't seem to make much difference in appearance, but decidedly more fun to dance with ! Hmmm

[Gary Carmichael]

http://webmail.hughes.net/webmail/driver?nimlet=download&uid=carmichael@hughes.net&fn=Sent%20Items&mid=1114&partIndex=1&disposition=attachment&rd=57254







FOR SALE :

Carolina Panthers Tickets, section 118, row 6 seat 4 & 5

I have 2 Panthers season tickets for sale.
It seems that Megan doesn't want to attend
any more of their games as she doesn't like
the person who sits in the seat next to us.
I've attached a picture of the view from
the seats to confirm location below.
Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.




Current Bid: $4,500 each

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

I hope everyone has a chance to view this video. These stunts and the people doing them are just amazing.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo0Cazxj_yc


Gary S.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I get a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. I bet he felt like an idiot. :p

Gary S.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please
accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the
hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'


Gary S.

[merle&louise]

Two guys were in a bar and an arguement broke out: Who is the best RV broker in the world? The first guy said Ken Robertson is the best RV broker in the world - the second guy disagreed.

The first guy says, I can prove it to you - let's go to Tallahassee and I will show you that Ken knows everybody in the capitol including the governor. They go to the capitol and sure enough the governor comes out and shakes hands with Ken - asks him how his family is doing etc. First fellow says, " I told you everybody knows Ken Robertson".

The second guy still not convienced that Ken knows everybody says I'll bet Ken doesn't know President Obama! The first guy says let's go to DC. They go to DC and sure enough President Obama and Ken walk out on the East lawn of the White House!

The second guy still is not convienced that Ken knows everybody says I want more proof! The first guy says, "Let's go to Rome - Ken is a personal friend of the Pope"! So they go to Rome and the same thing happens again - Ken and the Pope come out on the terrace and wave to the crowd. Still doubtful, the second guy asks a stranger standing next to him in the crowd - Is that the Pope up there on the terrace?

The stranger says, "I don't know if that's the Pope, but that Ken Robertson standing next to him"!

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

:D

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

HELL EXPLAINED


BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Well we had a nice turn out of bus's and other coaches for a weekend of fun and sun,@ Rayford RV Resort in The Woodlands Tx.

There was about 20 people that met there for the weekend of cooking out, laughing and Margaritas.

Regan brought his new margarita machine and made batches of them for all to enjoy.

Regan was in his new 98 Prevost Country Coach, and as you can imagine he was very proud of his new ride, as well he should be.

Well can you imagine his surprise when during the cocktail hour, someone put this sign out in front of his bus. "BANK REPO ALL SERIOUS OFFERS CONSIDERED" I think Regan actually got an offer, but I think he refused it?

Great Weekend

[JIM KELLER]

Regan, I can't tell for sure by the picture but if your Country Coach has the much sought after Plastic Shield I have the correct size new grommets for the lower mounting hardware. Let me know if you need any.

[dreamchasers]

Jim,

I am wanting to replace all the rubber grommets in my shield. Where did you find them?

Hector,
(Country Coach owner, with plastic shield.)

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But then I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service'a few cows.
BAM!!It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

[rahangman]

So the 1st Pogger said to the 2nd Pogger..."Hey, I just ordered another Dozen of these magnificent Oysters, cause you know what they do!"
The 2nd Pogger says, "Yea, I know, but don't believe everything you hear, I had a dozen last night, and only 11 worked!"

[JIM KELLER]

Jim,

I am wanting to replace all the rubber grommets in my shield. Where did you find them?

Hector,
(Country Coach owner, with plastic shield.)

Hector, I am computer challenged and just now noticed your post. Sorry. I have the larger mounting grommets that secure the shield. The small ones at the bottom of the windshield will need to be hand made by you. Let me know where to send them/how many and they are yours. My shield used 6.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vj8Bkn9kaLE


:D

[rahangman]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man



walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.




One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.



Those people walk just like that."



The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.



He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."



Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,



but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."



The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."



The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."



The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."



The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."



So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,



"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too

[rahangman]

What is Celibacy????


Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare,It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.He then addressed the men. Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

[rahangman]

What is Celibacy????



Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.He then addressed the men. Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

National Institute of Science and Technology

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March, 31, 2011

NIST Announces the Final Phase of Conversion to the Metric System

Boulder, Colorado ? The U.S. Commerce Department's National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) announced today the final phase of the conversion to the metric system. The standards for measuring lengths and weights was established in the U.S. in 1984 when the National Bureau of Standards (now NIST) completed Phase 1 and Phase 2 of the conversion under the Metric Conversion Act of 1975.

This final phase completes the conversion by converting legacy time units into metric time units. Beginning in 2012, time measurement in the U.S. will be in metric time (MT) rather than legacy time (LT). Legacy time allows for 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, and 60 seconds in a minute. Under metric time, a day will be 10 metric hours (MH), a metric hour will be 100 metric minutes (MM), and a metric minute will be 100 metric seconds (MS).

As it is expected that the complete conversion will take the entire year, NIST will not enforce the penalties provided for under the Metric Conversion Act until the beginning of 2013 for those who do not immediately make the conversion.

A few simple conversions:

1 legacy hour = 0.42 metric hours
8 legacy hours = 3.33 metric hours
1 legacy minute = 0.69 metric minutes
1 legacy second = 1.15 metric seconds

This press release may be further disseminated.

[Gary & Peggy Stevens]

Just had to pass this YouTube Video on to everyone.



http://dc133.file.qip.ru/flash/player.swf?file=http://dc133.file.qip.ru/img/111226964/dfc05946/dlink__2Fdownload_2FAM45Fzuw_3Ftsid_3D20110509-135813-c859f759/preview.flv&streamer=http://dc133.file.qip.ru/img/111226964/dfc05946/dlink__2Fdownload_2FAM45Fzuw_3Ftsid_3D20110509-135813-c859f759/preview.flv&image=http://dc133.file.qip.ru/img/AM45Fzuw/komanda_barmenov_k_novomu_godu.flv&logo.link=http://file.qip.ru/video/AM45Fzuw/komanda_barmenov_k_novomu_godu.html&logo.hide=false&logo.file=http://dc133.file.qip.ru/images/logo.png&logo.position=top-left&plugins=sharing&sharing.link=http://file.qip.ru/video/AM45Fzuw/komanda_barmenov_k_novomu_godu.html&sharing.code=%3Cembed%20src%3D%22http://file.qip.ru/embed/111226964/dfc05946%22%20width%3D%22420%22%20height%3D%22320% 22%20allowfullscreen%3D%22true%22%20allowscriptacc ess%3D%22always%22%20%2F%3E

[Sawbonz]

Nifty! But, I'm not so sure I'd want that guy spitting in my Sambuca. ; )

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop
the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left
The shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there
was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy
and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up,
there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.
'that was my pager,' she said. 'i have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'

a few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.

When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

the older woman felt very low -tech.
Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said... Well,
will you look at that ...I'm getting a fax!!
__________________

[rahangman]

You Mean This Isn’t Normal?
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my BUS and decided it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the
mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the BUS.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage, and notice the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t
accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye-- they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide To put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- the BUS isn’t washed
- the bills aren’t paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- the flowers don’t have enough water
- there is still only 1 check in my check book
- I can’t find the remote
- I can’t find my glasses
- and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll get some …..????
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.
Don’t laugh -- if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming !!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
DON’T FORGET TO WASH THE DAMN BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We need the Rain…. !!!!!!

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


Now you know why some people are where they are!

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

TRUCKERS' BREAKFAST ~

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,
went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just
ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards...
Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'


'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.


The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).


After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.


The second test average was a D! No one was happy.


When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.


As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.


To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

[redprevost]

sounds like a wise professor,but I thought they were all Democrat

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[JIM CHALOUPKA]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blonde says: "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave." Happy Easter!!!

[merle&louise]

I really like reading this thread: the jokes are great!

By the way, it seems like its been a long time since Gary Stevens has posted.

Gary are you still out there?

Has anyone heard from Gary & Peggy lately? Seems like they said something about taking a trip with their granddaughter out west or something.